if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
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You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
honestly, i need both:
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job