Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
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Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Software Development ⛵️