HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
You Might Also Like
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
When you let grandma cat sit
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
*aggressively waits in line*
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
I can’t stop laughing at this
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.