Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
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Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Yup.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
それは草
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Why am I like this?
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