Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
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“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Care for your back
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
The answer is funnier than the question
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery