Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
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Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
seems like a niche market
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass