Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
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Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Squirrels before girls.
Air conditioning – not a fan
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
The first one, obviously
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Lmfao
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.