Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
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Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
🤣😂
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher