Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
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Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene