[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
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You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Not messing around
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
brian had himself a morning…
Incredible customer service.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke