An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
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[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Can’t, holding a grudge
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”