Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
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Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
My dog ate my work from home.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning