[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
You Might Also Like
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Just got to our Airbnb!
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.