Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
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Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze