Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
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The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
notice
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic