Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
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Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder