HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
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Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
For when Tinder doesn’t work
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Great Canadian literature.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.