HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
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The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
War & Peace
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are