Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
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“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.