HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
You Might Also Like
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner