I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
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Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor