*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
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I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists