Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
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Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.