Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
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ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.