Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
You Might Also Like
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still