her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
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“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Just a friendly reminder!
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?