Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
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You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
That took me a moment.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first