Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
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I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
never deleting this app.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.