I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
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Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
…..pretty much.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Ah yes. The three genders
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
everyone’s a critic
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.