her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
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Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
💯😂
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict