My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
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Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Simple enough.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.