HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
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Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
So creative 😂
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”