HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
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Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.