Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
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Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.