It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
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Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
December birthdays be like…
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
#CatsOnTwitter
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”