Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
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Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
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Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
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folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
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Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
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me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
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ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
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Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.