Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
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me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
how much for the angry fruit?
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge