Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
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DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
How does one answer this?
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild