Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
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What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
every college guy’s fridge
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
worst…sale…ever
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby