Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
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one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically