@Roxtalled: Her: Make me a burrito, please.
*wraps her in blanket
*pours hot sauce inside
@ibid78: [me] if all dogs go to heaven, then what about Cujo?
[the pope] how did you get into my bathroom?
@mdob11: Me: [crying so hard I can't breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
@TattedChanel: 'Find a guy who ruins your lipstick, not your mascara ' lol mate ruin any part of my makeup nd ur gettin smacked down
@GrantTanaka: sorry i'm still an undecided voter, but it's hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
@JohnLyonTweets: I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.