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Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
choose your gary
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert