@Roxtalled: Her: Make me a burrito, please.
*wraps her in blanket
*pours hot sauce inside
@WheelTod: I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can't follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
@elizabeth_fels: PUTIN: If your American lover is in this room I'll kill him
ELENA: He's not!
PUTIN: (softly) u...s...
[bursting from closet] A! USA! USA!
@withanewname: Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
@TheMichaelRock: A bee just landed on my cheek and didn't sting me. I think we're dating now.
@jazmasta: [first day as a doctor]
You seem depressed. Also you look underweight, how's your diet?
[nurse interrupts me]
"Dr that's the model skeleton"