“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
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My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
I’d love this…lol
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: Iβm sorry sir I canβt let you in.
ME: Please! Iβll be quick.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself youβve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Day 22 of quarantine and Iβve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but Iβve finally obtained some privacy
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Texting you back right away doesnβt make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldnβt hear the barista
If I text you “π€π₯Ίππ€¦ββοΈππ₯π€¨πππππ€¦ββοΈππ€¦ββοΈππ€¦ββοΈπππππ€πππβ€οΈππ€¨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I βlikedβ a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap β
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows whoβs going to come into an Arbyβs bathroom this close to the highway
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually itβs the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down