Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
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My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
The answer is funnier than the question
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December