Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
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Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.