HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
You Might Also Like
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
When libraries troll their patrons.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead