HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
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‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.