Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
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Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
New favorite tiktok
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is