Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
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Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
Succinctly put.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.