Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
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drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police