HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
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Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?